Hello and welcome.

Maybe you know this feeling: You accomplish something. You get the praise. You're doing all the "right" things on the outside. And then, in the quiet afterward, there's this subtle drop in your belly. An ache in your chest. A kind of hollowness.

A voice comes in—not yelling, sometimes just certain: "Don't get comfortable. Don't mess this up. If they really knew me, they'd see the truth and they'd leave."

If that's familiar, I want to gently say: you are not alone. And that voice isn't proof that you're broken.

Your Inner Critic: A Misunderstood Protector

Let's name what often happens here, in plain IFS language:

Your inner critic is a protector. A part of you that learned, somewhere along the way, that being hard on yourself might keep you safe from rejection. It has strange logic, but it's loyal.

“If I point out everything wrong with you first, maybe you'll fix it before anyone else sees it. Then you won't be humiliated. Then you won't be left.”

It may not feel kind. But underneath, it's trying to keep you loved and safe.

Perfectionism works the same way. It whispers: Don't make a mistake. Don't be messy. Don't be human. Why? Because somewhere inside, there's a fear: If you're not flawless, you'll be found out and abandoned.

So the perfectionist manages. It tightens. It over-prepares. It over-functions.

For a while, it might even work externally. But internally, it creates that hollow feeling—because you're never resting in your realness.

Here's what I want you to know: These aren't flaws in you. They're not proof you're broken. They're proof that something in you has been trying very hard to protect you.

Presence as the Container: The Shift That Changes Everything

Here's one of the gentlest truths I know:

You are not only the critic. You are not only the perfectionist. You are not only the fear underneath them.

There is also something in you that can notice all of that. A spacious awareness. A warmth. A steadiness. In IFS, we call this Self Energy. In Effortless Mindfulness, we're pointing to an awake awareness that's already here—without forcing a special state.

And this is our thread for today:

Presence is the container. You don't have to get rid of parts. You can make room for them.

Imagine the sky: it doesn't need to banish storms to be the sky. It has room for weather and it has room for sun. Both at once. Neither threatening the other.

You have this capacity too.

A lot of us try to make self-love happen. We think, I should love myself more. I should be more positive. I should stop this critical voice. And that turns into another achievement project, another perfection project. Those are just other parts of you trying to help.

But the shift we're practicing is different.

Instead of forcing love at yourself, you begin to recognize the one who can love—the presence (Self Energy) that can be with what hurts without trying to exile it. From that spacious place, even the harsh parts can soften. Because they're finally not alone.

This is subtle. And it matters.

The Somatic Truth: Feeling the Shift in Your Body

You know how it feels when a protector is running the show? There's a tightness. A contraction. A sense of bracing, preparing, controlling.

When you shift into presence—into the awareness that can simply notice the protector without being swept away by it—something in your body knows the difference. There's a subtle settling. A breath you didn't know you were holding. A release.

This isn't forced relaxation. It's the natural response when you stop fighting yourself, when you drop into your Self Energy and you sit with the protector.

Your nervous system recognizes: Oh. I'm not alone with this. I'm met.

That met-ness is healing. Not because you got rid of anything. But because you made room.

A Practice for Softening Your Inner Protector

This practice is for moments when you notice your inner critic or perfectionist showing up. When you feel that hollow ache. When you're doing everything "right" and still feel not-enough.

It works because it doesn't try to fight your critic. Instead, it makes room for it.

Safety first: You can do this sitting, lying down, or even walking. Go at your pace. If you feel overwhelmed at any point, pause, look around the room, and come back later. Only go as far as feels okay. And if at any point this doesn't feel supportive, you can pause, stop, or simply read along.

The Glimpse Practice: Meeting Your Protector with Presence

1. Bring to Mind the Familiar Moment

Think of a recent time when you felt that hollow ache. Maybe you were doing well on the outside, and inside there was doubt. If they really knew me… or I can't mess this up.

Don't analyze it. Just notice: what moment comes to mind?

2. Notice Which Protector Shows Up

Is it your inner critic? Your perfectionist? Maybe just a general tightening in your body?

Where does this part live? Your chest? Your belly? Your jaw? If it had a color, what would it be? Is it hot or cold?

Just gently notice. There's no right way.

3. Ask for Space (Unblending)

Gently ask this part: Would you be willing to give me a little space, so I can get to know you?

Notice how you feel toward it. There's no wrong answer—just information.

If another part interrupts (impatience, embarrassment), you can quietly thank it and invite it to soften back for a moment, just so you can stay with this one protector.

4. Appreciate Its Intention

Ask your protector: What are you trying to prevent?

Listen. Maybe it's rejection. Being found out. Abandonment.

If it feels genuine, you might say: Thank you. I see how hard you've been working. It makes sense you took on this job.

You can also ask: What do you fear would happen if you didn't do your job?

5. Shift Into the Container (Presence)

Now, sense the part of you that is noticing all of this—a gentle, spacious awareness.

If that feels strained or mental, that's just another part trying to help—thank it. Then, softly ask yourself: Who or what is aware of all of this?

You don't need an answer. Simply notice the awareness that's already present. Presence is the container, never the contained (your parts).

6. Reconnect with the Protector from Presence

From this more spacious place, turn your attention back to the protector. Notice any shift, even if it's only 5%.

Let the protector know: I'm here with you. You don't have to do this alone. I'm not trying to get rid of you.

Ask: What do you need from me right now, to soften just a little?

7. Close Gently

Feel what it's like to meet a protector, not battle it.

Notice your feet. Notice your seat. Notice the support beneath you. Take one easier breath in and a slightly slower breath out.

When you're ready, open your eyes.

What to Notice This Week

Is there a part of you that feels even a little more met when you pause like this?

Did the protector shift, even slightly, when it was appreciated?

Can you sense the difference between being the critic and being with the critic?

This week, when a protector shows up—inner critic, perfectionist, people-pleaser—gently name it: Oh. A protector is here. Then try this thread line again: Presence is the container. You don't have to get rid of parts. You can make room for them.

Tiny glimpses, many times. No perfection required.

Moving Forward: Permission to Be Real

The urge to "fix" your inner critic is so understandable. You want the hollow feeling to go away. You want to finally feel at ease.

But what if the healing begins when you stop fixing and start making room?

These protectors are not proof you're broken. They're signs that, somewhere along the way, you learned to survive. And now you can offer them something new: not exile, but presence.

You don't have to force self-love. You can be the Self that loves what's here—messy, tender, and real.

Listen to the Full Episode

This post is adapted from IFS Enlightenment Snacks, Episode 2: "When You Feel Unlovable: Be the Self That Loves"—a short, nourishing podcast exploring Internal Family Systems, somatic awareness, and effortless mindfulness.

🎧 Listen now:

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Want a gentle reset practice? Download Unwind & Unblend—three short somatic practices to help you befriend your parts. Get it here.

When You Feel Unlovable: Why Your Inner Critic Is Actually a Protector (And What to Do About It)